Queer As Folk UK
No copyright infringement is intended.
It's Halloween and Stuart and Vince have a little fun, much to Hazel's dismay.
Astronauts and Lumberjacks
by Sinead Duff
That Halloween Stuart stayed over. Hazel was out at party that night so we had the house to ourselves till
whenever she came home. She was gone about twenty minutes when Stuart showed up. The minute I saw
the expression on his face I knew there was going to be trouble.
"Vince it's lovely to see you, how've ya been?" Something was up, the reason I knew this was:
a)Stuart was swaying back and forth like a yo-yo. And:
b)He had a half-drunk bottle of vodka in his hand.
"You've been drinking.." Stating the obvious.
"I haven't!, and I'll have you know I resent that" Oh my god he's like a two year old. Catching the
expression on my face Stuart started giggling.
"Well actually Vinceshh don't tell anyone but" Here he inclined his head towards me, "I've had a little." And again with the laughing.
"Come in you'll fall on your face in a second" With that I grabbed him and shoved him through the door.
Getting him in the house was the easy bit. Once in he proceeded to lurch around before landing on his
arse in the middle of the kitchen. This was the last thing I needed, I mean Stuart is hard enough to control
when he's sober never mind drunk. Still it was weird.
"Stuart, why've you been drinking?"
He looked up at me very dazed and extremely confused:
"It's Halloween. Why haven't you been drinking?" He found that incredibly funny and curled up in ball on the
floor laughing uncontrollably.
"I mean where did you get it?"
"Oh right, Dad had a bottle and it was in the cabinet and they weren't looking and so.." And he looked up at
me with those incredible blue eyes and whispered:
"I took it..You should have some, might loosen you up a bit." He held out the bottle to me and I took it, I
mean thought to myself
"Why the fuck not?"
Half an hour later I was completely pissed.
The next thing I can remember is I was trying to convince Stuart that if I wanted to I could be an astronaut
(Not that I actually wanted to but I wanted the right to want to). This involved me tying one of Hazel's
scarves from the light in my bedroom and swinging around while singing the theme to the moonlanding.
Stuart meanwhile, had discovered an old plaid shirt of mine which he had then wrapped around himself
and was currently reciting the words to "I'm a Lumberjack" while admiring his reflection in the mirror.
It was then that Hazel walked in ... "What the bloody heck do you think your doing?"She was majorly pissed off which might have had
something to do with the now half-ripped scarf.
Stuart was of course giggling, and choose that moment to introduce himself to my mother.
"Ms.Tyler I am Stuart Alan Jones. Lumberjack is my trade. Do you need any wood to be chopped fair
maiden?" As if to emphasise the word "chopped" Stuart stumbled around a bit before collapsing on my bed.
I on the other hand was still hanging precariously from the lampshade, one move to the left or the right and
I knew the whole thing could come crashing down.
Mum looked like she couldn't decide whether to laugh or start hitting us.
"Pissed is what you are, both of you" Emphasising the both she through me a look which I'm sure could
have turned people into stone.
"Vince, for God's sake get down off the lampshade!"
"I can't! It'll fall down! I'm really sorry I was just trying to prove that I could be an astronaut. `Cause Stuart
right he said that I couldn't and then I said I could and he said Oh yeah and then I said.."
"Vincent Tyler you get your arse down from the lampshade before I swing for you!"
And with that the scarf gave in. Luckily, the roof didn't as well but Hazel was livid.
"You get him cleaned up," she said pointing to Stuart, "and then it's straight to bed for both of you! And if I
hear one word from either of you..I'll ban you from the telly for a month!"
"Don't push me Vince! One word!"
My brain was doing its best to compute what was going on....no telly = no dr.who. Eventually I figured out
that no telly + no dr.who make Vince go crazy. Fair enough.
"We won't make a sound"
"Anything else to say..?"
"Sorry." I was really because at this point I'd sobered up and my head was thumping.
"We'll talk about this in the morning."
And with that she swept out of the room leaving me to deal with a now unconscious Stuart.
It wasn't too hard in the end. I mean I got to strip Stuart naked and clean him up but lets face it I'd pay to
have that privilege.